Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.
~ Charles F. Kettering
~ Charles F. Kettering
- To laugh is
- to risk appearing the fool.
- To weep is
- to risk appearing sentimental.
- To reach out for another is
- to risk involvement.
- To expose feelings is
- to risk exposing your true self.
- To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is
- to risk their loss.
- To love is
- to risk not being loved in return.
- To live is
- to risk dying.
- To hope is
- to risk despair.
- To try is
- to risk failure.
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds!!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds!!!
Love is action. It's clear, it's kind, it's effortless, and it's irresistible. ~Bryron Katie
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